Struggle: Truth versus fiction
My doctor recently weighed me. I was complaining about my massive weight gains and blaming it all on my hysterectomy , hormone changes and hormone therapy .... he cut me off and said, "Just to put things in perspective, you've gain one pound since June." I see this doctor (my psychiatrist) every three months, so he has a pretty good idea of my physical and mental well being. If you asked me lately how I feel about myself, I might tell you I feel fat. I think about my weight and body shape all the time (this is an ongoing issue of mine). I've started to become a bit obsessed with it ... to a fault. In reality, I haven't gained that much weight (at least according to my doctor). But it's hard to get that through my thick skull.
I know I'm not the only one who does this. I think there is something in our nature as humans to beat ourselves up. Maybe its a learned behavior. I don't know. But what I do know is that I can't seem to see the good things about myself and I magnify the bad things or the areas I'm struggling in. The crazy things is, everyone else sees the truth while we're trapped in a fictional version of ourselves.
Last weekend I was standing with a group of friends I hadn't seen in awhile. One of them pulled aside and said, "What are you doing?" I was confused. I had no idea what she was talking about. She went on to say, "You look great, what are you doing to stay in shape?" What? Me? What am I doing to look great? I was equally mortified and thrilled. She sees what I can't see. And talking to her (along with my doctor) added some much need perspective: I may not be exactly where I want to be, but that doesn't diminish my worth or take way my "wins."
So now what? Now that I know I have issues and my perspective is morphed, what do I do? I don't want to downplay or ignore the very real feeling I have regarding my body. Wallowing in them will only make me feel worse, but I've needed to sit with them for a bit so I can understand them a bit more. But now it's time to move on and rather than shining a spotlight on what I feel like are flaws, I'm going to work on what taking better care of myself.
This coming week, I'm signed up for two in-person yoga classes. Mike and I are start week one of a 12-week running clinic. I signed us up for a color run in January. And I'm going to add meditation and journaling to my daily routines.
What you going to do today to focus on the truth and avoid believing in the fictional version of yourself?